In my last post I got inspired by Zinnia Jones excellent writings about vague gender dysphoria. This reflection of my own experiences of dysphoria will be very personal and basicly a tool for me to use in my transitioning, on my journey to getting to know myself a little better.
I’ve never felt this “I’m actually a man, I’m trapped in the wrong body-thing“, that some trans* people do. But I’ve always had a strange relationship with my body. There were always some sort of incongruence between my mind and my physical body, like they are just barely connected. It feels a bit like its not really mine, just something I use to get around and experience things, like a bicycle or a car… Or a pirate ship.
I’ve started to view my body as a pirate ship, with my brain as the captain and the different parts of my body as the hard working (or sometimes rather lazy) crew.
Sometimes my body does unexpected things, and I almost feel like I’m on the outside or inside, just watching. I feel disconnected. My period always comes unexpected, for instance. Even if I have an app on my smart phone to be able to somehow be prepared for this trauma, I’m always surprised.
(Background info: I’ve always been deeply disgusted by the possibility of using my body for giving birth to children. I like children and I have the deepest respect for their mothers, but the sole thought of a baby in my belly gives me chills down my spine and makes me literally feel sick. Note bene – I’m not writing this to insult half of the human race, it’s just how I feel about myself and very likely a sign of gender dysphoria.)
In my pirate ship metaphor – for almost half of my life we’ve had this almost monthly mutiny, lasting for a week or so until I gain control again. I feel somehow insulted by the unnecessarity and the sole madness in having a body function that’s just draining me on blood and energy.
And sometimes when I’m up for a real challenge (like before some sort of athletic performance) I consider myself fronting an adventure and I plan some serious piracy. Then I gather up my crew and more or less literally whip it to obedience and bravery. Like right now, because I have to stop writing and whip my ass over to the gym.