I have to start writing somewhere, I can’t keep on spamming Facebook with my trans related experiences and thoughts like I’ve been doing lately. I mean, it is fine to write about trans on Facebook, but I don’t want to be the guy who only post trans related stuff all the time and sometimes I want to be able get deeper into some subjects. Here is the place where I will do just that, in my personal trans diary.
What’s new is the fact that I have accepted that I actually am in some sort of transitional phase or process. I’m not becoming someone else or something entirely different, but I express myself differently and I enjoy to explore what being trans means for me. I spend a lot of time thinking of how I am perceived, how I want to be perceived by others and how I am to achieve that.
For instance – I just started a new class at the university. That means that I study together with new people that don’t know my old female name. I think that they view me as trans – I certainly don’t pass as a guy, my voice is an instant givaway. But they don’t seem to have any problem with that, I’m pleased to notice how they treat me with respect and curiosity, no questions asked.
I just love that moment when I am to present myself to someone for the first time: I look them straight in their eyes and smilingly tell them with my clearest deepest voice “I’m Emil”, not leaving any doubts about the name. I’m not Elli, Emelie or Emile. The smile tells them that everything is all right and I hope that it makes the other person feel more comfortable, this is after all a situation that some people find confusing. The eye contact leaves no room for misunderstandings and our handshake seals our agreement upon my name and how I’m to be spoken to or about, no matter my how I look. Most people take the hint really well and use the right pronoun after that introduction.
Other transitional thoughts:
Is there a masculine way to speak? And if it does, do I want to adapt to it? Isn’t that just a way to limit yourself and to validate stupid ideas about how men and women are to behave, as if we are so different from each other? The same thing goes for body language, is there a masculine way to express yourself and how far do I want I push it? Also, I suspect that many things “masculine” works oppressive towards more “feminine” ways?
My body. Motivated by the opportunity to transform my body without hormones I’ve started to work out like crazy. I also think of it as a way to free myself from negative stress and to prevent SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Every other day I spend a few hours at the gym. It makes me feel amazing and already after a few weeks I can both see and feel the result! I hope that I can keep this up and wonder how far it will take me. Hormones or not are a subject for an entire post, so I will not discuss it today.
The trans community. I’ve heard that there is a solid one where I live. I know a few other trans- or intergenderd people, some of whom are close friends. But I’ve never dared to go to their monthly get-together at RFSL. Not until recently when I’ve started to feel more secure about my trans identity have I felt ready to go there, even if I know it is open to everyone who’s just curious or have trans friends or whatever. So next Wednesday, it will be my first time. I’m looking forward to it!
I wish coming out as trans could be as easy for everyone as it was for me. When I have a bad day, I like to think of it, how well I’ve been treated and how lucky I am to have such a supportive network of family and friends. I’ll be writing more about that another day. Now I have to get ready for tonight’s party, we are celebrating my new name and my best friends birthday, it’s gonna be a blast! 🙂