Sometimes, I seem to pass

Yesterday I was out with a friend at a pub we use to visit when he is in town. I had my doubts about going there. The last time we where there, the owner placed us in a cosy corner with the motivation that “the ladies use to like it there” only to be given the ungrateful evil eye of an insulted FtX, (namely me.) He didn’t repeat his mistake this time, but we were treated as regulars and the pub owner seemed to recognize us.

I had a good packer and binder-day and even took my shirt of when we sat down, not so secretly enjoying how my upper body look when I’m only wearing the binder. For those who want to know; I’ve got a 998 binder from Underworks. From the outside it looks just like an ordinary black cotton tank top and it works excellent, but I suppose that my petite A-cup hardly can be challenging to compress.

Tank tops in general is nowadays a huge boost for my self confidence since my strict training regime is giving awesome results. My shoulders, arms, back- and chest muscles are literally swelling from all the time spent on the gym and there is something clearly masculine about the way I put on weight. (No wonder, I work very strategically for just that purpose, thank you Kian for good advice! :-)) I feel a bit embarrassed about my sudden change of look and slightly surprised every time I see myself in a mirror. I’ts a strange new take on body dysphoria. But I’m also immensely proud of the result and effort I put in to it.

I noticed how the crew who served us gave me confused looks over their shoulders when they thought I wouldn’t see. Was I a guy or girl? How was I to be adressed? I never know if I’m to be happy or not about that ordeal. I sure put in a lot of work to be seen as more masculine and because of that I get a bit offended when I’m genderd female by strangers. But still, I don’t want gender to be an issue at all and prefer it when it doesn’t matter to people.

When we left, we were greeted with a “Welcome back, you guys!” that warmed my heart. Yes, I think we will return.

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Picture: Elin Nordlinder.

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