Breaking up

Last Saturday I had my last sweet date with the girls locker room and sauna at the gym. While I caught my breath in the steamy sauna after working out we had a little breaking up conversation, me and her. I told the locker room gently that we’ve had a great time together but that we cant keep seeing each other like this.

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Dear girls locker room, I’m sorry, we cannot go on seeing each other like this. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve changed.

For too long I’ve felt questioned and judged when we see each other in the company of others. It hurts my feelings. I told her that I feel uncomfortable to be defined by our relationship. I told her that I need to start seeing others, just like she already is. I told her that we’ve been trough a lot together and that I’ve truly enjoyed it, so much fun, sweat and tears. It’s not you, I told her. It’s me. I’ve changed. Our relationship has made me grow in so many ways. But the time has come for me to move on.

The locker room-dilemma has troubled me ever since I came out as transgender. Initially I hoped to be able to change the world or at the least the situation at my local gym instead of adapting to a fucked up binary gender-system myself. So much for those noble intentions, so far. But now when I pass better I have the possibility to do some serious trans activism and claim my space anyway. My time has come.

I had decided to change locker room once I was introduced to the transgender team. It would be a suitable way of expressing determination, demonstrating my commitment to transitioning. Exactly the sort of thing I’ve been told that the “Real Life Experience”-phase is about. So after my meeting with the team psychiatrist, I launched my plan.

A trusted friend followed me to the gym yesterday and joined me in my workout. I usually enjoy working out alone but this time his company was of the essence. He was my escort to this point of rites de passage, finally breaking the taboo of entering the guys locker room. I was really nervous but his unconcerned company was of tremendous help in making me feel safe and in my full right to do what I had to do.

My plan worked out perfectly! It was Wednesday, which usually is a rather quiet day at the gym. We where there half an hour early, so there was no stress and locker room even happened to be empty to begin with. I had prepared myself by putting on my sports bra and a loose-fitting men’s sports top at home so I only had to pull my jeans of and slip in to my shorts and shoes. After our work out I just reversed the process, keeping my eyes to myself but otherwise acting confidently.

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Done changing. There is always a first time. All went well!

I was pleased to note that even if we weren’t alone in the guys locker room when changing after the workout, I received less suspicious looks from the others there than I usually do among the girls. Actually, no one even looked my way or looked awkwardly away either, for that matter. I was all stealthy and nobody gave a fuck.

Now, this was something I’ve dreaded to do for a while and I’m so happy to have friends to back me up. Things turned out so well and I feel proud of myself, doing this even thou it was scary at first, risking it. I feel totally confident about going back, even without company. Tomorrow I’ll have my first chance.

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