Transgender Day of Rememberance

Today it is the Transgender Day of Remembrance. TDoR occurs annually on 20th of November. It is a day to memorialise those who have been killed as a result of transphobia, to protest against the oppression, fear and hatred of transgender and intergenderd people.

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My friends in RFSL Uppsala and Amnesty International arranged a manifestation in central Uppsala tonight with live music, a local trans-inclusive choire and Kian from TransForm as speaker.

PicsArt_1416523974267[1]Just like last year, the streets sparkled with beautiful handmade candlelights in the colours of the pride- and transgender flags. Among the candles were pictures of some of the transgenderd people who suffered from hate crime. We had a silent minute to honour them and the crew behind the event handed out colourful candlelights for the bystanders to hold on to and after the ceremony, to bring with them home.

PicsArt_1416524121259[1]Unlike last year, I was only there to listen as a bystander, to show my support. But I was not alone.

Between a rock and a hard place.

I’m in an unforgiving state of mind. I feel like I’m not at peace with the cis-gender world any more. I often I find myself angry or frustrated about the injustice in the lack of privilege that becomes me after going this far in my transitioning. Angry about how I’m punished by the binary gender system for not passing or not being good enough as a man, just like when I never was good enough as a woman.

Beyond the gender borderline is a place of loneliness. Separatistic safe-spaces for women have now closed behind me. That I’m still gendered female by others sometimes and have lived most of my life as female doesn’t matter. And with the norms for masculinity being as unforgiving as they are, my weakness is what makes me disqualified as a man. But off course, weakness has no gender, we all experience it.

If I’m to go on the advice from other transgender men around me, I’m at a breaking point right now. I’m on a miserable place, where I will be waiting until others decide that I’m ready to go further, to a point of no return. I have sacrificed so much to come here, but all I can do right now is wait and question why I’m doing this if it hurts so much.

I have closed my world around me for protection the last six months in order to create my own queer safe-space. My home is my castle now. I don’t watch television or talk to strangers because I get so angry with all the transphobia I see and by how I never seem to be included anywhere. I don’t date much, I don’t travel, go to any larps or party’s. Im alright but I only do the easy things, only what I have to in order to keep things afloat.

One of my most recent strategy’s have been about getting a travel companion for this part of my journey, not to be so lonely. I’ve adopted a dog and it is a dream come true. His name is Basilard. He is a 1,5 year old Irish wolfhound, huge, beautiful, loving and awesome. He is excellent company and raising him gives me something else to focus on, something as important as it is rewarding.

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Tomorrow is my second name-day as Emil. After a day of field research and interviews for my essay, I think I will be celebrating it just like last year with my pack, a group of close friends that have become like another family. The study I’m working on is going well and the dog makes life more fun, but I’m still between a rock and a hard place right now.

/ E.

A step in the right direction.

Finally got to renew my ID since I changed my name years ago. It feels a bit strange to only have it slightly better – it is till gendered wrong with “K/F” for female. I’ll have renew it again after I’ve changed my juridical gender, but that will probably take another year or two.

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Looks like the asymmetric haircut have staid with me when everything else have changed.

The picture to the left was taken when I had just started my education to become a speech and language pathologist in early spring 2010. The new one was taken just the other day, almost five years later. I know that my appearance will change even more after I’ve started hormone treatment, but at the least the names are right now and the picture is more accurate.

From now on I don’t have to carry around that extra piece of paper, the certificate I had that verified my change of name to complement my old ID. And hopefully, I will not feel totally humiliated every time I have to show the new one.

/ E.