I’m in an unforgiving state of mind. I feel like I’m not at peace with the cis-gender world any more. I often I find myself angry or frustrated about the injustice in the lack of privilege that becomes me after going this far in my transitioning. Angry about how I’m punished by the binary gender system for not passing or not being good enough as a man, just like when I never was good enough as a woman.
Beyond the gender borderline is a place of loneliness. Separatistic safe-spaces for women have now closed behind me. That I’m still gendered female by others sometimes and have lived most of my life as female doesn’t matter. And with the norms for masculinity being as unforgiving as they are, my weakness is what makes me disqualified as a man. But off course, weakness has no gender, we all experience it.
If I’m to go on the advice from other transgender men around me, I’m at a breaking point right now. I’m on a miserable place, where I will be waiting until others decide that I’m ready to go further, to a point of no return. I have sacrificed so much to come here, but all I can do right now is wait and question why I’m doing this if it hurts so much.
I have closed my world around me for protection the last six months in order to create my own queer safe-space. My home is my castle now. I don’t watch television or talk to strangers because I get so angry with all the transphobia I see and by how I never seem to be included anywhere. I don’t date much, I don’t travel, go to any larps or party’s. Im alright but I only do the easy things, only what I have to in order to keep things afloat.
One of my most recent strategy’s have been about getting a travel companion for this part of my journey, not to be so lonely. I’ve adopted a dog and it is a dream come true. His name is Basilard. He is a 1,5 year old Irish wolfhound, huge, beautiful, loving and awesome. He is excellent company and raising him gives me something else to focus on, something as important as it is rewarding.
Tomorrow is my second name-day as Emil. After a day of field research and interviews for my essay, I think I will be celebrating it just like last year with my pack, a group of close friends that have become like another family. The study I’m working on is going well and the dog makes life more fun, but I’m still between a rock and a hard place right now.