Depression.

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Stockholm pride last summer.

I used to take pride in how well I was doing as a transgender guy. I came out almost seamless. Once I had changed my name and got my investigation started, things was going exceptionally smooth. I felt better, had more fun and a brighter view on the future. I used to think that it was partly because transitioning is the right thing for me to do, but also because I was downright good at it. It is a bit of a blow to discover that I’m not doing so well any more.

Clinical depression is incredibly common among transgender people. Depression can be seen as one effect of experiencing gender dysphoria – or rather of living in a cis-normative society. I knew this and I saw friends suffer through it. But I felt strong and thought that I was different, that my supportive network could protect me from harm. I felt thankful and was right to do so, but none the less I was mistaken.

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January 2015. It is a cold new year.

It has been growing on me the last few weeks that I feel like shit a bit to often. Initially I blamed it on Christmas or the frustrating work with my thesis and thought it only reasonable. But then I lost what remained of my concentration along with my appetite and got trouble sleeping. I’ve felt isolated, tired and sad, yet restless. Dysphoria has got to me again. I’ve avoided meeting people or engage in things I used to enjoy, in order to not drain myself on energy.

I really should have seen this one coming. I’ve been here before and I know what I have to do. I’ve arranged with doctors appointments, put my theses aside and decided to take a break from doing hard stuff like studying until I feel better. Just thought that I should let you know.

If you want to help, I appreciate your company rather than your expressed sympathy, a warm meal rather than hugs. But anything heartfelt definitely goes.

 

/ E.

 

 

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Christmas family pictures – beards and dogs.

Two years ago my family agreed to support my transitioning by making it a tradition to take pictures of me and my brothers for Christmas, for future comparison. ❤

IMAG4231 As this Christmas was the last one before we can expect serious changes in my appearance due to me starting on hormone treatment, our genetic basis for beard-growth was much discussed.

IMAG4203My youngest little brother, who happened to be dressed as my look-a-like, he is blessed or cursed with not much facial hair. But my father and the other two have it the other way around, so it is not easy to know what I’m to expect.

It doesn’t really matter to me if I’ll have a beard or not, I’ll propably shave it all off anyway. When it comes to changes, I’m mostly looking forward to a bit more muscular features and a deeper voice. Increased hairyness all over is something I’ll just have to deal with, it comes in the package no matter what I think of it.

My dog made his first visit in my family home at Christmas eve and he was on his very best behavior. (He also got the most Christmas-gifts, lots of candy, so Santa must have known how nice ha has been all along!)

IMAG4165My sister and my three brothers, we grew up with two hunting dogs in the house. It sort of felt like things was back in order, now with my Basilard in the sofa, even if the dogs back then was to well raised to even be allowed in the living room. Everybody was glad to have him there, he made me really proud of him!

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All in all, both me and my new companion had a very good Christmas, and we hope you did to.

/ E.