Insanely exceeded expectations.

I know I signed up for my body to change a little bit under the next two years. But I was definitely NOT prepared for this. Two weeks now on testosterone and I don’t know what to say about the effect the treatment has had on me without sounding like I’m exaggerating mad as hell.

Trans guys like me tend to be the most self-conscious people for a period in their life’s, carefully noting all possible changes in social interaction related to gender and watching over the growth of every hair on their body. But what is happening to me now is no subtle or imagined change. I’m literally gaining functions (and almost fucking body-parts!) I didn’t have before. At the same time I’m loosing parts or shapes that has been with me most of my life, since my first round of puberty.

Now in the beginning the difference is such that anyone close to me can see it happening from day to day. Easy to see, hard to believe. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be this intense and dramatic? Is it because it is unbelievable, something nobody could wrap their minds around? Is it supposed to keep expectations down? Or is it so simple that what I’m experiencing is unusual or extreme? I’ve never heard of any trans guy that has got such an immense response so soon.

7 hours after the shot my vocal cords started itching with growth and my voice dropped accordingly. I was not expecting it to happen so soon. Now my voice gets deeper every day, but I can’t control it yet and my friends and loved ones find it immensely amusing.

I sweat more and smell different to. That came almost immediately and took about a week to get used to. At first it felt like I was constantly wearing a boyfriends used sweater – I couldn’t emotionally connect to my new scent, couldn’t understand that it was me, even if I knew. It was something weird with the pheromones that made my skin all tingly, constantly on alert. That has passed now, but the sensitivity of my skin is actually changing and I know it will continue to do so for a long time. Some parts of my body are more sensitive now, others less than before. Without going too much in to detail that makes many sensual experiences somewhere between slightly up to very different, including sex.

After the shot I’ve been extremely tired, almost as I’ve been down with the flu or something, but I haven’t. My body has just been very, very busy with its new constructional project, rebuilding itself. I guess that I haven’t eaten enough to support my new and more effective metabolism, so my body made do with the fat reserves it already had.

As an effect of that, 2 days after the shot my breasts had reduced in size approximately 75%. That was somewhat of a chock. They were admittedly on the small side to begin with, but it is still extraordinary. The little fat I had on my hips are also quickly melting away and the same with cheeks and tummy. My jawline is sharper than I remember it, my chest almost flat and the contours of a very unexpected six-pack is beginning to show. All those changes came extremely fast and are mostly because of the┬áreduction and re-distribution of fat that I’m experiencing.

I guess the fat somehow goes to fuel the muscle growth that is happening at the same time. My shoulders, calves and biceps are literally swelling. The first week I gained almost a kilo a day; I went from 56 to 59,5 kg on five days.

But I can’t see any increase of fat anywhere on my body, rather the contrary – it is all muscles. My back is getting ridiculously broad and I’m impressed by how the silhouette of my waist is changing rapidly, straightening up because of the muscle growth. I’m so much stronger already, in total chock and awe over what is happening to me, with me, in me.

This puberty thing is so much more speedy than I could imagine, extremely intense and it makes me very, very tired. I don’t have energy for even the most basic things I’d like to do. I struggle hard to eat enough to make things better. I can’t and I won’t tell you everything that has changed, some things are only for me and my closest. Most of the changes I experience are indeed positive, but they are not all good and I can’t just pick the ones I want and leave the rest. But it’s worth it. I’m glad and grateful to finally be where I’m now, heading where I’m going.

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These pictures from the first week on testo are already totally outdated, but they are all I have at the moment. I’m getting skinnier by the day, neck and shoulders swelling. (Nudes would be SO much more illustrating, but don’t get your hopes up.)

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The first changes.

Day 2 on testosterone

PicsArt_1431616668116[1]Body: Lets go on an adventure! I’ve got so much energy! Let’s do some pull up’s!

Me: Sure, but why you smell so strange? I just had a shower.

Body: You don’t smell strange, just stronger. Manly, you know?

Me: Right. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.

Body: And I’m sure you know why – remember how you got that cute plaster on your butt yesterday?

Me: *Cough* Eh.. *Voicecrack* Yes. *Cough*

Body: Excellent, then welcome to male puberty! Oh, I forgot to mention – your vocal cords are not under your control any more since they are under reconstruction right now. So your voice might be a bit unsteady until you manage to claim them back. It might take a while.

Me: Sorry, what were were you saying? I’m so hungry!

T-day is here – I got my first dose of testosterone today!

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The day I’ve been waiting for so long turned out to be today.

This morning I got a call from my endocrinologist. He said that I was all clear for starting my medical treatment. I just had to pick up my prescripted first dose of Nebido (a synthetic testosterone) on the pharmacy and get an appointment with a nurse for the first injection. So I did and I had my first shot this afternoon. The next one will be in 6 weeks and after that every 12 weeks, for the rest of my life…

How I feel?

I feel a bit numb, honestly, probably due to my depression. It does feel good to have started finally and I don’t have a shadow of a doubt about this being the right thing to do. I think the joy and sense of relief will come later. No wonder I’m not all jumpy about this since I’ve been fighting so hard, waiting for years and been very ill lately.

Regardless of how I’m feeling right now, I know I’m facing an interesting time. The first effects of testosterone has been reported to occur within 24 hours or a couple of days after the first dose, but those first signs will probably only be noted by me and those closest to me. Then other changes will come. The more notable ones will happen in 1 – 6 months from now and then go on and continuously stabilise over a period of 1 – 2 years.

In short, my body will go through a speedy second puberty of sorts, but a male puberty this time. I might get acne. My voice will crack because of the increase of volume of the vocal cords and after a whil it will land in significantly deeper mode. I will put on muscles more easily and fat will be distributed differently on my body, giving a more lean and masculine impression, only to mention a few things. I hope that body and facial hair takes a bit longer, so II will have time to get used to the idea, but the time-line for all these things are very individual. I’ll just have to wait and see.

No matter what comes next this is a point of no return. Testosterone treatment is very potent, meant to be life-long and is in many ways irreversible.

Wish me luck on this new adventure, I think I’ll need it.