The time since my last post has been challenging and rather eventful. My body is in a testosterone induced state of speedy morphing and it turns out that this part of transitioning is much more difficult and strenuous than I had imagined. Six weeks on T and I’ve literally turned in to a 32 year old teenager.
I’ve been totally exhausted and gained a fresh understanding of what it is like to be a growing teenager. Struggling to get out of bed, getting things done in time, eating proper healthy food and keep a civilised tone towards other people at all times (no matter how much they annoy you). I see now that it is not about being lazy, because I’m really not. Neither am I lacking the morale or experience and the discipline it takes to do things “the adult way”. I used to manage just fine, but things are different now.
Being a teenager is as I remember it (among other things) about getting to know a body that is changing and experiencing the world from a slightly different perspective than you did before. I have discovered that being a “transgender teenager” is somewhat similar, only much more intense. It’s about growing in such a pace that you really, really crave food with the highest possible energy and calorie content. (I’ve had mad cravings for pizza and milk chocolate.) It’s about struggling to get out of bed in the morning, one or two meals behind what your body needs to function as you didn’t get up and eat in the night. And then there are the mood swings due to swaying hormone levels in combination with the lack of understanding from the part of the world who rightfully have other things on their mind than your feelings and what state you are in…
Today I got my second T-injection and I’m very curious about what effects it will have, since the experience was so overwhelming the last time. I actually noticed that it was time for a refill. I’ve been rather moody the last few days and something felt slightly amiss. It reminds me of how I experienced PMS before, except it doesn’t hurt because I wont bleed again. Thanks to the testosterone my body is over and done with that and it may be the best thing that has ever happened to me. PERIOD IS PERIOD!
Also, the spectra of feelings I go trough is slightly different compared to my old pissy PMS. Testosterone doesn’t change your personality, but it enhances certain drives or emotional responses. For instance I now tend to get more angry or irritated for things that used to make me feel sad and low. Off course it could also be that I feel empowered and more emotionally energetic because things finally are going my way, or a combination of both.
Other things that has changed since my last post is that I’ve just recently gotten the appetite I need to keep my body going a bit better than the first few weeks. Now when I’ve unlocked the ability to eat more than I’m used to, I hope I’ll feel less exhausted. Other news is that my voice now is totally out of control, varying wildly between really dark and almost like before T. I literally never know what will come out when I open my mouth to say something and it can be embarrassing, but it is also really cool how deep it sounds sometimes!
Not all trans men on hormone treatment are happy with how their voices end up after “puberty”. How dark or deep someone’s voice will become is hard to predict beforehand and differ from one case to another. After a year or so the voice has “landed” and become more stable. Most guys are satisfied and have voices that doesn’t differ from other adult males or in the higher range of what is common. But some feel that their “new” voice sound to feminine, still too high pitched or worry that it makes them sound to young for their age. Some are missgenderd because of it and that can be both impractical and offensive, not to mention the general patriarchal tendency to not take people with high pitched voices seriously.
I hope that I’m not one of the unlucky ones as my voice will be an important tool for me in my profession as a speech- and language pathologist. But I am a bit worried about that it could happen. I’m so small compared to my peers and there is a scientifically documented correlation between the collar-size/neck circumference in “female-to-male transsexuals” and deepening of voice due to testosterone treatment. Only time will tell if I’m an exception from this tendency or if all my voice training from school can help to compensate. Right now, there seem to be no reason to worry.
To sum it up so far – I’ve been feeling extremely exhausted and I need to eat a lot more and more often. My period is gone. My voice is shaky and my emotional responses are slightly different compared to before T. But the most dramatic changes are physical and clearly visible for others.
I’ve gotten a whole new profile, much more masculine. But first impression is not as much “male” yet as ” teenage boy” or maybe more like “ambitious androgynous gym rat”. My upper body is so much wider, I’m all shoulders and arms now and it’s really cool how fast that happened. But I’m not only getting bigger, parts of me are also melting away. My silhouette is getting thinner, contours sharper. Waist straightening out, breasts almost gone, thighs, hips and butt are… different. Private parts are private, so I’ll say no more than that major changes have been noted. I’ve also gotten a bit more face- and body hair. I’ve never liked the look or feeling of my own body hair, but I strongly suspect that it will be something I’ll have to learn to live with in the near future.
All things considered, I like most of the effects of the testosterone so far. But it is more than a little stressful and scary that my entire body is morphing so unbelievably fast.