Angry survivor – five months on testosterone

Five months on testosterone now and my hormone should have reached levels within the normal range for cisgenderd men. I’ve had my first 3 injections.┬áIf I live to be 90 years old and treatment continues the same way, I’ll have another 350 intramuscular injections or so to look forward to.

The treatment is working and I can’t even begin to express the difference it has done. I’m feeling so, so much better now. Very simplified it feels like I’m becoming a super hero version of myself; stronger, happier and healthier than ever. But considering how low I was before treatment I suppose that I’m actually more like getting closer to some sort of decent level of existing, a reasonable quality of life-baseline.

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Climbing the walls.

I had to wait forever to get access to treatment. When I think of how close it was, I get so angry for all that pointless waiting and suffering. Nothing provokes me as much as when people (mostly doctors or nurses) out of pure ignorance says something like “Oh, you have decided to start hormone treatment now?” Yeah. I decided. I know hormones are not for everyone and not all transgenderd people want to have them. But it’s not like I just decided and then got a prescription paper in my hand the same day. I almost died while I was waiting for medical treatment.

But one morning a few weeks back I woke up and realised that I was not in fact going to die out of depression, not this time. I have survived the worst part of my journey, just barely and there is a long way still to go. But I’m getting better. Some days I’m mostly so full of energy that I’m basicly climbing the walls. Soon I’ll have to do something about that, find a direction in life again, take up my studies or some sort of employment. I’m not there yet, but that day is steadily getting closer.

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