“Welcome to puberty!”


I must be going trough an explosive growth phase or something right now. I suffer from the unquenchable hunger of a fast growing teenage boy; I just can’t eat enough and I’m always hungry. This is new, I haven’t felt like this before. Six months in on hormone treatment I’ve turned in to┬ásome sort of moody, starving monster. I need to eat almost every other hour and I don’t feel full very long after a meal so it keeps me busy just trying to keep up.

Being hungry all the time makes me frustrated, short tempered, soon to anger and low on energy. Come to think of it, I really hope that these mood swings I’ve been having lately are caused by hunger and not depression or related to seasonal changes. Maybe it is just a poor excuse to friends and loved ones, but something is definitely going on here.

I can clearly see that my body makes good use for all the extra fuel. I’m growing larger and building on muscle mass in an unprecedented scale, presenting a whole different body type. My voice is much deeper. Facial- and body hair is now a thing – remarkably impractical and uncomfortable, but still somewhat reassuring.

Sadly the “getting better from depression- curve” has reached some sort of plateau, I’m constantly tired, gloomy, bored and frustrated. I sort of feel that I need to do something soon, other hanging around at home every day, doing little chores and crafts, not going anywhere but to the gym. The general lack of plans for the future is itching, but I can’t seem to muster the energy and initiative to change anything.

Regarding my medical transition, not much has happened lately. It’s been a month since I met my speech therapist the first time and I’ve been working more actively with my voice technique, with good result. Otherwise, nothing. But next week is for some reason unbelievably crowded with interesting meetings and important doctors appointments.

On Monday I’ll go to Stockholm and the speech therapist again. Tuesday is the day for A Very Important Meeting with the chief physician I’ve been seeing during my entire investigation. Every meeting with him is sort of a milestone. I hope he will finally agree to help me apply for a change of juridical gender so I can get proper ID-papers and such. That would really help me forward from where I am now.

Wednesday is physiotherapist-day. I hope to get some advice on how to work out to spare my inflamed biceps-tendon if it’s not better by then. I also want to find out how I best re-gain mobility in the chest area. I seem to have gotten a bit stiff from growing too fast and not stretching enough after working out. My bad, but I can’t have that if I’m up for chest surgery soon.

Next Thursday I’m actually meeting the surgeon who will preform my mastectomy. If I like him and what he has to suggest, that is. Later in the afternoon I have an appointment with a dietitian about my most urgent problem right now. I hope to get some clever advice on how to not die of starvation in a near future and what I should think of now when my body actually works very different from what I’ve been used to. If I’m lucky, that might help me with both constant hunger, mood swings and general gloominess.