The last three or four meetings with him have been all about testing my mental resilience and general grade of functioning regarding IQ, memory, concentration, verbal abilities and problem solving. The team wants to know that my situation is stable, that I’m well enough to continue and that the gender dysforia I experience is not caused by a personality disorder or depression, for instance.
I’m usually totally exhausted after an hour and a half of intense testing.The first time I was asked intimate questions such as if I “like to behave like a woman, sexually”, what ever that means. That pissed me off so much I haven’t even been able to write about it properly. Then I had to solve logic problems, do advanced 3D jigsaw puzzles and answer questions regarding general education, like how hot water is at it’s boiling point or what the word “palliative” means.
Today, among other things, I had to do a Rorschach test, the old ink stain test that means to examine my personality characteristics and emotional functioning based on how I freely interpret nonsense paintings. It is well known that Rorschach-tests are not reliable, so I didn’t think they were used any more. But I was wrong, they are widely used, especially in the juridical system in Sweden and it is a matter of some controversy.
It makes me feel awkward, frustrated and exposed to interpret pictures in front of a gatekeeper who decides if I will get the medical care I ask for, or not. The Rorschach test is a projective test, normally used to judge if a person has psychotic tendencies. I’m not convinced that it is a valid tool for evaluating my creativeness and personality, like the doctor said when I asked why I had to do it.
I feel like I’m someone’s hostage and cannot be free of this process until we are done with it. I have to cooperate and be a very, very good boy if I want to continue with the investigation. No matter how intimidating or insulting the questions are, how irrelevant they may seem or how badly the tests are managed.
The good news is that there will be no more psychological testing after today.
When I had finished the doctor summed up my profile as normal to above average, but uneven. No surprises here, I told him all about this the first time we met, about me being an academic nerd with ADHD. Perfectly in line with that he pointed out that I have dips in concentration that show extra well after a long time when solving logic or mathematical problems. Otherwise I’m generally very quick, performing well and I’m especially good at verbal tasks. Not psychotic at all, no signs of depression, no personality disorder and I have very low rates of anxiety.
That was it, all testing done and all relevant information gathered at this stage. I expect things to go more slowly from here. I’ll get a doctors appointment in a month or three. Hopefully I’ll get the diagnosis then. After that I’ll have to go through a thorough medical examination and get a recommendation to start the hormone treatment. I can’t wait. But we knew that, I have another diagnosis for it. 😉
More about why Rorschach-tests are not reliable, in Swedish;