Insanely exceeded expectations.

I know I signed up for my body to change a little bit under the next two years. But I was definitely NOT prepared for this. Two weeks now on testosterone and I don’t know what to say about the effect the treatment has had on me without sounding like I’m exaggerating mad as hell.

Trans guys like me tend to be the most self-conscious people for a period in their life’s, carefully noting all possible changes in social interaction related to gender and watching over the growth of every hair on their body. But what is happening to me now is no subtle or imagined change. I’m literally gaining functions (and almost fucking body-parts!) I didn’t have before. At the same time I’m loosing parts or shapes that has been with me most of my life, since my first round of puberty.

Now in the beginning the difference is such that anyone close to me can see it happening from day to day. Easy to see, hard to believe. Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be this intense and dramatic? Is it because it is unbelievable, something nobody could wrap their minds around? Is it supposed to keep expectations down? Or is it so simple that what I’m experiencing is unusual or extreme? I’ve never heard of any trans guy that has got such an immense response so soon.

7 hours after the shot my vocal cords started itching with growth and my voice dropped accordingly. I was not expecting it to happen so soon. Now my voice gets deeper every day, but I can’t control it yet and my friends and loved ones find it immensely amusing.

I sweat more and smell different to. That came almost immediately and took about a week to get used to. At first it felt like I was constantly wearing a boyfriends used sweater – I couldn’t emotionally connect to my new scent, couldn’t understand that it was me, even if I knew. It was something weird with the pheromones that made my skin all tingly, constantly on alert. That has passed now, but the sensitivity of my skin is actually changing and I know it will continue to do so for a long time. Some parts of my body are more sensitive now, others less than before. Without going too much in to detail that makes many sensual experiences somewhere between slightly up to very different, including sex.

After the shot I’ve been extremely tired, almost as I’ve been down with the flu or something, but I haven’t. My body has just been very, very busy with its new constructional project, rebuilding itself. I guess that I haven’t eaten enough to support my new and more effective metabolism, so my body made do with the fat reserves it already had.

As an effect of that, 2 days after the shot my breasts had reduced in size approximately 75%. That was somewhat of a chock. They were admittedly on the small side to begin with, but it is still extraordinary. The little fat I had on my hips are also quickly melting away and the same with cheeks and tummy. My jawline is sharper than I remember it, my chest almost flat and the contours of a very unexpected six-pack is beginning to show. All those changes came extremely fast and are mostly because of the reduction and re-distribution of fat that I’m experiencing.

I guess the fat somehow goes to fuel the muscle growth that is happening at the same time. My shoulders, calves and biceps are literally swelling. The first week I gained almost a kilo a day; I went from 56 to 59,5 kg on five days.

But I can’t see any increase of fat anywhere on my body, rather the contrary – it is all muscles. My back is getting ridiculously broad and I’m impressed by how the silhouette of my waist is changing rapidly, straightening up because of the muscle growth. I’m so much stronger already, in total chock and awe over what is happening to me, with me, in me.

This puberty thing is so much more speedy than I could imagine, extremely intense and it makes me very, very tired. I don’t have energy for even the most basic things I’d like to do. I struggle hard to eat enough to make things better. I can’t and I won’t tell you everything that has changed, some things are only for me and my closest. Most of the changes I experience are indeed positive, but they are not all good and I can’t just pick the ones I want and leave the rest. But it’s worth it. I’m glad and grateful to finally be where I’m now, heading where I’m going.

These pictures from the first week on testo are already totally outdated, but they are all I have at the moment. I’m getting skinnier by the day, neck and shoulders swelling. (Nudes would be SO much more illustrating, but don’t get your hopes up.)

Three years of transformation

I’ve got the privilege of living an adventurous life together with lots of beautiful, creative and playful friends. We have a tradition some of us, consisting of dressing up in old’ times clothing and going on an adventure together the first weekend in December. Today it was my third time.

Our brave advent expedition today.

I had a really great time and now when I look back at the pictures we’ve taken this weekend over the years, I can see something extraordinary. I can see how I’ve transformed over the past three years, how much I’ve changed. I thought that I would post a few pictures from each year so that you can follow my transformation. I’ll be starting with the oldest ones and going forth until today.

This is me in 2011 on my first advent-adventure.

The expedition crew in 2011. I’m number four from the left.

This is me exactly a year ago, on the first of December 2012.

There is something different and more androgynous about my personal expression in the advent adventure of 2012.

This was today. I’m the grumpy and masculine looking one with his hat in his hand.

I’ve gotten myself a seriously authoritative body language!

Sometimes, I don’t recognize myself in the mirror at all. Other times, I feel that this is the way it was supposed to be, all along.

I think looking forward into the future is worth doing in full colour, and with some of your best friends by your side.

It is really a huge change of personal expression, mostly related to gender identity, that I’ve been trough. Thank you Sofia, Karin, Johan, and Frida for the awesome pictures, and also a great thank you to all of my adventurous friends who’ve been in on this!

Sometimes, I seem to pass

Yesterday I was out with a friend at a pub we use to visit when he is in town. I had my doubts about going there. The last time we where there, the owner placed us in a cosy corner with the motivation that “the ladies use to like it there” only to be given the ungrateful evil eye of an insulted FtX, (namely me.) He didn’t repeat his mistake this time, but we were treated as regulars and the pub owner seemed to recognize us.

I had a good packer and binder-day and even took my shirt of when we sat down, not so secretly enjoying how my upper body look when I’m only wearing the binder. For those who want to know; I’ve got a 998 binder from Underworks. From the outside it looks just like an ordinary black cotton tank top and it works excellent, but I suppose that my petite A-cup hardly can be challenging to compress.

Tank tops in general is nowadays a huge boost for my self confidence since my strict training regime is giving awesome results. My shoulders, arms, back- and chest muscles are literally swelling from all the time spent on the gym and there is something clearly masculine about the way I put on weight. (No wonder, I work very strategically for just that purpose, thank you Kian for good advice! :-)) I feel a bit embarrassed about my sudden change of look and slightly surprised every time I see myself in a mirror. I’ts a strange new take on body dysphoria. But I’m also immensely proud of the result and effort I put in to it.

I noticed how the crew who served us gave me confused looks over their shoulders when they thought I wouldn’t see. Was I a guy or girl? How was I to be adressed? I never know if I’m to be happy or not about that ordeal. I sure put in a lot of work to be seen as more masculine and because of that I get a bit offended when I’m genderd female by strangers. But still, I don’t want gender to be an issue at all and prefer it when it doesn’t matter to people.

When we left, we were greeted with a “Welcome back, you guys!” that warmed my heart. Yes, I think we will return.

Picture: Elin Nordlinder.